Get me more Choglet

I am a nightmare-ridden person. I can feel an occasional cold hand snaking up my neck, just a harbinger of bad things, sad and scary things. The coattails of mortality, hearing fate snicker, etc, though I don't believe in it, from my gut. I think that contrary to all evidence, we still have choice and will. I feel scared, bogged down, my head is reeling from so much fear, and the physical weight of so much panic, and the shittiness of leaving dog behind just because she was being naughty, and my landlady's accusation that I have kutte paal liye. Of all the places I expected this accusation to come from. And also from her other words, that she probably will look for another renter. I am tired, dear god, I am tired. Tired of so many walls to break down. And how mother feels like a time bomb. And how the possibility of being back to that night in November feels like irrational fear. Everything in me balks from it. How the maid is being an absolute piece of shit, how much thoughts of Lily bog me down. And I told myself today, I am done with dogs and cats. The two bloody cats have also started coming in: everyone wants to make a home of this place, including Soni, and my landlady, a dog lover herself, possibly wants me out. It feels like one is completely powerless. One pays good money to all these people, and they still can say and do what they like to you.
Today I thought how much I would like to er, make love, to my dear friend S. But I wouldn't want to come anywhere close to any of the random guys.