I haven't had sex in such a long time, and last year seems so far away and not so celebratory in hindsight. I don't want to have sex on those terms again. But it would have been nice to have a summer affair while I was here (as if that ever happens), but it's already getting time to leave and I am not ready to leave. I wish I could stay on for many more months.
Does everyone not get enough sex? That is a question I have pondered often. But you can't really ask, can you? It's seems voyeuristic and obscene. I wonder, do all my classmates and acquaintances having babies by the armloads, enjoy the sex? Or is it just to babymake, and enjoyment, if it happens, is a bonus? I am totally divorced from the worldly-wise, so this is something I shall never find out.
I will, however, watch Nobody Walks, which might be an annoyingly pointless movie, as Olivia Thirlby's maudlin acting suggests in the trailer.
I am almost done with getting our flat painted and repairing the myriad things that seem to fall apart continuously. But there is still a lot of work left on my mother's health front. And the dogs, the dogs. Sold off a trunk-full of my father's college notebooks (meticulously compiled, much in demand when he was in college, apparently) and books. The pages were falling apart in some, some had been eaten away. Mita took away a maths book, hoping, I think, it would be useful to her 7-year-old son at some point. Each to their own motibhrom. Sold off my college notes and xeroxes as well, mostly MA stuff. There's still all the BA stuff to sort through. Sold some books in College St as well. After 7 years, it is the time to let go. Another series of losses to begin one's days on a clean slate. To be wiped clean again after more loss and some more years spent cauterising it.
I discovered again this time that if you keep at something without letting up, even with fits of apathy, it gets done. If I were another person, I would have accomplished much in these months, but even so, the sum total isn't too bad. The break didn't happen: but then, you take the direction laid out for you, and this was pretty much an invitation to tie up loose ends. I connected with my ex: I have used as much of his help as I have needed. These are things it's best not to attach emotion to. I shall never forgive, but my present needs take priority over everything else. Who knows if there ever will be a setting right of things. There is no cosmic balance. Some people, too many people, live on the edge because that is the path laid out for them. Maybe there will never be a marriage, maybe it will always be taking care of ma, maybe I'll meet someone many years hence: jar jemon jibon hoy, resist kore labh nei.
The rest, you know. Meeting friends after a long time, spending more time with A than I have in many, many years. As if we were in hiatus from living. I wish this had lasted longer. O's present never seems so unbearable that she would need a hiatus from it.
