So, i am sitting in an extremely dusty house that belongs to us, which i fought to get back. I have a cold, so it's not such a hot idea to sit in the dust. I got glass fitted to the empty window frames day before & boarded up a doorway. I'm sitting on the floor with my back against the peeling wall & feeling apprehensive at the possibility of trouble from the Society. It would be easier with one other person with me.
So, door got fitted. Still waiting for a mistri to give an estimate for some work on the balcony.

I didn't realise this was the extent I could ask for. I'm tired of asking, tired of stooping to beg. It's otherwise very amiable. Just that, after a certain point, there is an absence, a vacuum, where no word or appeal has an effect that is any different from that reserved for any other friend.

Does one ever take away lessons from experience? Are you ever wiser? Little indicates I am. It seems I am unfit to take on the affairs of the world, so inept I am. What am I doing? Why does it take so long to wise up to things? Why do I ignore my gut feelings so easily. And Rohini is so very far away. And Dilli is so hot. Lawyers are crooks. Police are always an uncertain quantity. Ananya's words often ring true, that you are always alone. Why should one have to repeatedly ask for, beg for help from one one counts as one's own? Why do so many words have to be expended, repeated ad infinitum, why the need for explanation at all? Isn't it evident? Unless my impressions are deemed untrustworthy, or that I have not given enough to command so much in return? What are faulty electric meters, office jokes, being needed in office on a Sunday? These are non-existent reasons. Am I wrong to expect another to look at my problem as I look at it? A was saying you can't, except of parents and I knew this to be true once, but I, well, I have had so much for such a long time that I expected nothing but entire commitment. I am tired of having to explain, of trying to speed things up because someone is in a hurry to return.
I spent six hours on two commutes to Rohini yesterday, I stood in the sun for say, an hour and a half at an office and by the end of it, had almost lost sense of my surroundings. I was ill from the heat, with a tummy upset and feeling like vomiting. We had left at 8am and returned at 3. I could hardly eat. I was journeying back to Rohini by 5 for an appointment that eventually didn't happen. This was the second time it hadn't. I returned at 10.45, having hardly eaten anything through the day, ate a little rice and waited for a phone call. By then I was running entirely on adrenalin and didn't know how to switch off, so I read a couple of stories from ma's sananda. It was quite relaxing. But then I again had to explain why I couldn't do it alone, that another head, another pair of hands would be very handy, would be like being given the moon and that it was not only about reassurance.
My back still aches a little from lugging around the knapsack, my feet doesn't hurt as much from yesterday's hail auto=buy ticket-hold ma's hand through escalator rides, stand in metro-change metro=more escalators- more hand holdiing, rickshaw ride. I am glad hot blasts of air didn't lash my face and make my eyes sting. Maybe someone else would be more resilient, more cussed, more determined, more go-getting, maybe the way I am does not work in Delhi, maybe my thinking that I will get this done come what may and how badly I am actually doing this does not tally. Who knows? I did lose baba at the end of a month, so I am probably not that good a fighter. I held F's picture on my phone close and cried today. At the helplessness, perhaps, at the struggle, out of fear, disappointment??. Am I bad because of that? I need a break, at least a day's, even though I can't afford it. Am I wrong that I can't keeep working, days on end, that the weather, the stress gets to me so soon?
I sound selfish, accusing. But well, I am still there, aren't I?

my heart is clenched. i dont know why i thought this would sort itself out at least a little today. my heart sank when i realised. it seems i've stayed away so long from all that i like. F was operated today. she was being trouble, so I had to put the choke chain on her. oh, she must have been so scared. she has probably been scared all the time since she always snaps at people there. what a badly-brought up dog, I must think. such a small dog, and who knows how she must feel being all alone.
it was so good to have ma today. i thought i'd cry from hopelessness on the way home. but she was around, to just have someone else who cares is so strengthening. at other times, when i have sat at home and will do for the rest of the week, it seems like i have been placed in an alien planet, where i have no roots, no purpose while everyone i know has a concrete day to day reason for being here. i feel like an exile, here to take away something that belongs to me in a place where i dont belong, where i have no right.
each day i sit doing nothing, seems like a waste of life blood: room rent, cost of food, travel: all for cooling my heels waiting for a time when something MIGHT happen.

Hey bhogoban, what now? Is this all there is to it? Then I shall just keel over and die.

Oh, just get me a man though. To do this with. I am weak with relief though it might mean just nothing. It's been this way so many times in the last 2 weeks.

F goes to stay with I tomorrow. One can never appreciate a dog enough. You get used to its fur and that you will find dog hairs on your person at the strangest times. That a kyabla face will look at you questioningly and that you will receive occasional tail-lashings.

But let's not gush. It is probably nothing and we will return to the heart-clenching, bone-wearying grind.