It's getting to be 4 in the morning and what a hard day I had today. A bad day, more like. I was unslept, so was not alert at all, was slow, made horrendous mistakes, didn't have the right things to say and got into the boss's car along with a colleague and only later realised that I wasn't sure if he'd asked me. Not to mention that I didn't want this to become a regular habit. A news desk has so many different kinds of people, most often so hard to negotiate, and when you have a bad day, well, the weight of people seems to pile up.
At these times, I wonder if it wouldn't be nice if I were to find my boy when I returned and could go to sleep in the comfort of his arms. The black dog saw me when I returned at 1.40 today and he came straight up the stairs with me. I began feeling human again and then, sort of caught myself, because I couldn't allow myself to relax and put today behind me, because if I allowed this to be just another day, I would trip up again.
You wonder sometimes if you could escape the weight of dealing with people, personalities, if another office wouldn't be without these clashes, but then you realise that the only reason this seems to be so is because the new space is a void for you. And that there is no escape, except to recede. And it's too soon to do that here.

I am back.
at 6am, in delhi,
armed with 2gb worth of data transfer limit on a 3g sim,
on Linux.
with Britannia cheese for dinner that C so lovingly bought me as a going away gift.

to all i have missed in two months' absence from the net: priyanka, oli, ananya, madhura, dibbo.
my very loving, dear boy, who makes my head not feel like an alien space. you give me roots, reference, seemingly do not mind my horrendous rudeness, go see my dog and reassure me with pictures, tell me how my mother is, your parents, including your lovingly-barmy father, make me feel warm and loved, even though i've called them only once.
in the last two months, you have reassured me again and again and again. when i was afraid, when i was lonely and when i was depressed. you keep me connected to home. because of you, i know home is not lost to me, that i can reach out to them whenever i wish to.
you asked me to go and said that you would take care of my mother, when they would not give her medical insurance.
i am glad that you let me be, and reach out to me, even in my boringness, even when i feel unfriendly to everybody. i can tell you about my chores that give me peace. i know i will tell you about them again even though you listen with half a ear.
there are often such bad days, but i still feel glad i came out to do this. i am finally living my life, mundane as it is. even if it involves nothing but office and eating and doing never-ending chores at home. i am glad i could do this, in spite of being in a relationship. maybe your patience will wear thin sometime. but as of now, i revel in the freedom of living exactly as i please and of having a companion to reach out to.