It was a nice day. If I were asleep by now, then nice day woulda stayed nice, but anyway.
The reason I like Rachel Roddy’s food blog: not just for the enthusiasm with which writes about food but also because of the peace that seems to run through the life she talks about. Of fresh fruits, asides about relatives, love of parents, a beautiful country she is still in love with, being far from one’s port of origin but with the ties intact. The quiet in her life, the absence of cutthroatness.
My day was nice because: I swept the floors and scrubbed them. Both our maid and cook have made their disappearing acts. The maid has actually quit. My dog is shedding her coat, so fistfuls of her hair came up while sweeping. It was particularly satisfying to get rid of those. And the swabbing, well, very tiring, but it feels good to know you are doing home stuff: takes away some of the guilt, and it is very relaxing, the mechanical rhythm lets you focus your thoughts. Then I bathed my dog.
She is all shiny now.
Part of the reason I could do so much work (that is a lot of work compared to what I usually do) at a stretch is probably because I was a little high on half an anti-allergic medicine that I’d taken for the cold. I couldn’t really hold too many thoughts together to torture myself.
I ate well. And then the slight discord of gift hunting for boyfriend’s friend, sister-in-law and the needless eating at CCD. But then back home again to dog and mom. Long sleep with dog, though I was a little sticky with sweat. Woke up at 10pm to tea, felt so comfortable that I washed some dishes.
Watched Australia: it isn’t a good movie, alas. Went down to give dogs their dinner, remembering and feeling terrible not to have given mean dog her medicine. Came back, took a bath and watched Godfather II while I ate. I liked the film, the silences are soothing.
Since then, I have been on the computer, not being of much use, really, apart from writing a DVD and looking up some stuff.
I plan to give the dog her med tomorrow and do some washing.

I also rather like Chandrabindu.
Well, it’s 4am now. I will have a glass of water and go to sleep.
The larger issues remain undiscussed.

'But the truth is that whatever challenging situation you're in, somebody somewhere has got a much more extreme version. So I think one ought to shut up and not moan about it.'
This is what Hugh Laurie said in an interview I am sure he did not want to give.
Well, my mother. She has diabetes and ate a lot of dessert today at the restaurant we went to. But well, I was reading something about people who are caregivers who have it far worse than I do. Maybe that is some consolation after all.

It’s one of those days that you plod through and pray will come to an end soon. I feel very very depressed. Nothing is going my way. This weekend, so very rare, could have been so much more.

Such horrible looking women write blogs on make-up. Actually it IS the horrible ones who do. Those who aren’t wouldn’t bother. They spend thousands on make-up too.

Oh my, I am so tired today. I woke up at 7.30 (after sleeping at 2.30, after chopping vegetables, cleaning toilet and a VERY long time at Pantaloons) to cook breakfast for my horrible cousin, pasta, which he didn’t like, the fool. It was quite tasty, ma also said. Yesterday was lunch at grandfather’s, with mashi’s brood and us. People treading on each others’ toes, much sulking, cold wars and my paka cousin spewing his usual pseud-nonsense which my g’father quoted back to me, saying your cousin says you should soon get married and settle down. My cousin is 19, in first year of college.
Now, Pantaloons. It was very tiring. I stood in two trial room lines, for half an hour each, I think. Then I got tired and bought some clothes without trying. Which fit. No formal trousers, the cuts were nightmarish. Then very lovely pomegranate tea at Barista. Slight kosha taste of tea and tok mishti taste of whatever they were giving in the name of pomegranate. Boyfriend, the fool, said it tasted of amloki r jol. He was on business of his own in the area and we met. I saw many husbands/ boyfriends in Pantaloons who were standing around with glazed expressions, desperately stoic, but they didn’t seem to care if the world ended while their wives/ girlfriends shopped. My feet are still aching from all the standing. I wish I had the enthusiasm to sift and buy more things.
What a completely lost day off.
And then the endless fights with my mother. She seems unliveable with.
And I have to finish The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime. There’s so much actual work to do, for one of which I have NO solution and which worried me so much that I dropped it for a while. This is bad, very bad.
And my eyes are burning from lack of sleep whenever I close them now.

Why can’t I let go and live? Why do I cringe?
What a relaxed life would be for me (as I fancy it)
Chuck the job
Buy beautiful clothes and make-up (sometimes. I think once I am satisfied with my life, I will lose this fascination because I think this was an add-on to compensate for the other dissatisfactions. I am 60% frugal and 40% indulgent.)
Take photos again
Not go to work when I want, stay back at home and see beautiful sunsets
Say exactly what I want to everyone

But but, as perhaps Oli would say, this is not really me. I would be happiest if I did my work right and not get my life tangled by procrastinating or forcing myself to accept things I don’t like. The rest, I think, would fall into place. I see people who would really be relaxed by leading a luxuriant life, but the innate urgency to save, to store away for the future plus the sudden paranoias about clutter mean I will never want it except as a kick to embrace things that are diametrically opposite to what I am.
Therefore, the thick kohl, the luscious lipstick, the beautiful perfume and the perfect dress and shoes. Only to spit it all out and to find the soft, worn pajamas and the faded t-shirt.

The unquestioned points of happiness in my life
My dog
Our own flat
Our financial security

Relief and saving graces
Having a parent
Having boyfriend with me

The bitterness that must be swallowed
Job
The disappointments with boyfriend
The problems with ma

Hopes
Good job eventually
To keep dog and mother close even when I settle down
To work in whichever city I want
To go abroad
That mother will live well and long

Certainties
Taking photos
Travelling

PS more to be added if fancy strikes. Have to go home now.