I was watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and I thought of memories that were ordinary, trivial, that would surely be lost if I didn’t keep them away somewhere. This is of an afternoon just days ago when the boy lay on me, and he shifted his weight so that I gasped with absolute certainty, ebar ami more jabo. The boy is tall, you know, and I am just a midget.

When will there be a time when that afternoon will be lost, merged with countless afternoons past, and those made later? Will there be a time? The boy is beautiful, you know, quite like the Joel Barish of Clementine Krzinski.

I watched Stand by Me, and I can't wait to read the book by Stephen King. Oh god o god I want to watch My Own Private Idaho. And River Phoenix I love.

I am home, and today seems to have greater vestige of normalcy than yesterday. I was watching Wonder Years (all thanks to B), and the episode itself spoke about regularity, humdrumness. I thought of R in office, whose father died when he was a tiny kid. I thought of A and me, a bit of martyrs, consciously bearing our scars, and I thought what it must be like for him. His and his mum’s hardships must have been greater, and his sadnesses different, cause did he know what it was to have one, a dad, at all. What would it be like for his mother, to have lived alone all her life, bringing up her son the biggest thing she did: it seems an awfully long life when without the person to share it with, and yet, how do I know what it is for such women. It must be a different frame in which they recognize their happinesses. And R speaks of those times like telling a fairytale, asking us to imagine, what it must have been like. He speaks of a lovely, pampered, delicate boy, and a mother who did everything so he could have all he wanted, and well, actually pulled it through. He told me, us about all this a long time back, but I think, y’know, his happinesses would have been no different, from say, that of Kevin, as he sat around the dinner table, the sanctuary of home, with the securedness of what came after.

I am not quite sure why I am trying my damnedest to make myself crash.

It's gonna be 5 and I haven't slept. The back, I think I am pushing too far. I am, was working hard. I should rest, but it irritates me to no end to be told what I should do cause it's good for me, I want to be left alone, given what I want, and have the space to recover my rhythm at my own pace, not with dire threats of what will happen to me in the future if I don't do all that is good for me. And it doesn't matter, it's random, and it'll pass. Excuse me if I sound like Calvin.
There's little joy in this wilfulness, but it's as if one thing leads to another, and when things are not at peace, many things happen which you wouldn't want otherwise. It's just irritating, and it seems so soon that night has ended and it's light again. The past few hours went by so fast, it seems. And tomorrow, wake up feeling peeved, bathe, eat and run. Don't do anything you remotely like.

Met Shantanu after a long time. Pleasantest meeting with him if I may say so. Found him agreeing to things, and he looks comfortable for the first time, though he is bloated. He seems to be doing well for the first time, and the self -possessedness that comes of working hard came from him. He had to leave, too soon, it seemed. He takes good photographs, quite instinctively, it seemed to me. Not like he was conscious of using craft, which I liked.

What I really wanted to write

i went to subir dutta laboratory, then walked along lenin sarani to sealdah, looked in wistfully at all the old houses that now have squatters in them, starting from lawrence d souza home. there was a tiny tiny kid crawling on the street, lawrence d souza r adjoining barir shamne anekta khola jayga, an old man played football with three young ones. ratey jokhon phirchhilam, past the book fair that was shutting shop, there was the jilipi man counting up sales, and another cooking for the group, another washing up utensils. i wanted to sit around them. tokhon mone holo nothing would give me as much peace as sitting around them and listening to what they spoke. and there was this kid, he mans the ghugni stall, he was being sarcastic at his mother: sharadin dokaner shamne dariye thako, tarpor dekhbo. koto hajar hajar taka sales hochhe, and i wondered that he caled it dokan. for him, it was. and then, well, that he would move on to the next fair. did i wish i also went from place to place, that home was where i hung my hat?

Hello Goodbye reminds of college, towards the end, when I felt free, completely unencumbered.

I was walking through Lenin Sarani today. My camera was not working, so eventually I felt criminal. And I felt, perhaps for the first time, realized that what I was seeing today and couldn’t keep pictures of, I won’t see again, though I’ll pass the same houses, people even. But what I see won’t be the same, my mind, with that happiness, won’t be. The urgency I felt was the first, I do think.
And I went for Ironman, eventually. I am seeing Robert Downey Junior post-Zodiac, so I can’t help but like him a lot, really. But the movie was not really great as superheroes go. But never mind, I only went to see what RDJ was doing..
And then eventually having dinner of a sort with A, I felt so lonely, I dunno why. That life stretched out interminably, and that the dreams would not happen. It was so sad, like being grown up, as if. This kind of grown-up I don’t want to be, that takes occasional vacations with kids, and is fat and eating out at a pizza joint with nothing before or beyond it. That nothing stood for anything, didn’t lead to other things, like a complete limbo. I am glad to be home.

Central Calcutta was so beautiful today, and it was like it would never want to come and inhabit my heart, that was what I felt saddest about: about the stagnancy of passing the same place everybody, and it not making a difference to you, ever. It seems as if that is being grown up. And that grown up I don’t wish to be.

I am addicted to the Net. Not funny.