If I decided to react to all the shit around me, I would hold my head and scream, scream, scream. For the tiredness, for the burning eyes, for the dreams that faded into nothingness, for the things that don't work at work, for ma being unable to think anymore, for the many illnesses that she is plagued with that I can't seem to get under control, what with the medicines, doctors, tests, medicines medicines. Do you know how much I am waiting for you to arrive? Do you know how scared I was to find myself so helpless at the crowded crossing today, when that guy followed and came and stood close to me? I knew then I couldn't do anything if he picked me up and took me off somewhere. How humiliating it was to go away with the autowallah because he offered me a way out when I wouldn't have been able to control the situation. Why my friend of 10 years does not understand this, is it because she lives such a sheltered life that she has forgotten what it is to live like ordinary people? That the happiest part of my day was to find the black pups, who jumped and licked my hands and played with each other ceaselessly, and looking at the fish in the aquarium at the hospital, when they came and crowded around where I was standing, and I fancy, looked at me curiously, that it is escape from the chaos.
Do you know I dreamt on Sunday, in the afternoon, of baba, already in the grip of his last illness, feebly tapping on a giant touchphone, clothes hanging loosely on him. Still, I was glad I had him, though I was scared. What kind of stupid person doesn't get alarm bells ringing in his head when half his muscles atrophy away in the space of six months? That was in the afternoon. At night, I dreamt Floppy came back, through this tiny wire opening in a gate. But it was another dog, brown and black, and was immediately attacked by another random brown dog we had and had a bit of flesh plucked away, but even so, I was glad that she was finally alive. I remember feeling reluctant at the prospect of more responsibility, but also of being accepting of it. God certainly knew what he was doing when he took her away, I smile grimly to myself, but also this: that if we had her, we would have found a way of managing everything. But then, I would probably not have paid attention to ma much if all else were hunky dory.
The days are leaving me progressively lonelier.
Do you know I dreamt on Sunday, in the afternoon, of baba, already in the grip of his last illness, feebly tapping on a giant touchphone, clothes hanging loosely on him. Still, I was glad I had him, though I was scared. What kind of stupid person doesn't get alarm bells ringing in his head when half his muscles atrophy away in the space of six months? That was in the afternoon. At night, I dreamt Floppy came back, through this tiny wire opening in a gate. But it was another dog, brown and black, and was immediately attacked by another random brown dog we had and had a bit of flesh plucked away, but even so, I was glad that she was finally alive. I remember feeling reluctant at the prospect of more responsibility, but also of being accepting of it. God certainly knew what he was doing when he took her away, I smile grimly to myself, but also this: that if we had her, we would have found a way of managing everything. But then, I would probably not have paid attention to ma much if all else were hunky dory.
The days are leaving me progressively lonelier.
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