I feel very tired.
I feel like shit.
I don't want to have to play God.
I wish I had worked, but know I would not have.
I feel old and worn out. 2012 seems like a fool's dream, 2013 the year when the fantasy fell away, 2014 will be the year of my growing up. I finally feel like the adult that I always wondered if I would ever be, and it is a trajectory of loss and responsibility that has no end. Today I found the tired part of me wishing I were dead, so that this burden will not have to be carried anymore. It is a long-term fear, and living through days and years as one by one the machine develops faults, and you do the best you can to repair it and help it to carry on. It brings out ugly sides of you, as you grow cruel and more intolerant: I find myself wondering if this is what made my aunt the way she is and sympathising with her at times.
I don't feel light anymore. I don't even want to run away. I live in this constant state: this stasis, which comprises sadness over all I lost last year and the things that I am losing over ma, work which is a familiar territory even when it's bad, and hence good, occasional outings with occasional friends that I am glad for because it's a break, and guilt and sadness over stray dogs that I don't/ can't help. That's another reason why I want to die: then I won't have to see dogs and cats in pain anymore. And did I tell you about the dog on the way home to Labour Chowk? I wish some part of me had died that day.
The body also makes it known that it won't take such otyachaar anymore. The terrible nerve/ bone pain in lower back, shoulders hurting from the laptop bag at the end of a work day, being unable to manage on 5 hours' sleep, carrying a heavy bajarer bag home necessitating a long nap in the evening and tiredness which still doesn't go away.
Ei holo jibon. Dekhte dekhte koyekta decades kete jaabey, chhibrey hoye jabo, tarpor morar pala, and associated bhoy ar koshto. Bhogoban, jeno beshidin baachtey na hoy. Ma ke tuley diye, ar kata bochhor beche without too much pain chole jetey chai. Of course assuming kono loved ones thakbe na to live for. Thakle, I need the normal span of years and to be resigned to the loss of physical and mental acuities and drawn-out, lingering, painful life.
On a positive note, I found a flat. Hopefully, it will stay and I can move in in March. Ma's USG report has to be collected, something which completely slipped my mind after going to sleep at 6 am.
I feel like shit.
I don't want to have to play God.
I wish I had worked, but know I would not have.
I feel old and worn out. 2012 seems like a fool's dream, 2013 the year when the fantasy fell away, 2014 will be the year of my growing up. I finally feel like the adult that I always wondered if I would ever be, and it is a trajectory of loss and responsibility that has no end. Today I found the tired part of me wishing I were dead, so that this burden will not have to be carried anymore. It is a long-term fear, and living through days and years as one by one the machine develops faults, and you do the best you can to repair it and help it to carry on. It brings out ugly sides of you, as you grow cruel and more intolerant: I find myself wondering if this is what made my aunt the way she is and sympathising with her at times.
I don't feel light anymore. I don't even want to run away. I live in this constant state: this stasis, which comprises sadness over all I lost last year and the things that I am losing over ma, work which is a familiar territory even when it's bad, and hence good, occasional outings with occasional friends that I am glad for because it's a break, and guilt and sadness over stray dogs that I don't/ can't help. That's another reason why I want to die: then I won't have to see dogs and cats in pain anymore. And did I tell you about the dog on the way home to Labour Chowk? I wish some part of me had died that day.
The body also makes it known that it won't take such otyachaar anymore. The terrible nerve/ bone pain in lower back, shoulders hurting from the laptop bag at the end of a work day, being unable to manage on 5 hours' sleep, carrying a heavy bajarer bag home necessitating a long nap in the evening and tiredness which still doesn't go away.
Ei holo jibon. Dekhte dekhte koyekta decades kete jaabey, chhibrey hoye jabo, tarpor morar pala, and associated bhoy ar koshto. Bhogoban, jeno beshidin baachtey na hoy. Ma ke tuley diye, ar kata bochhor beche without too much pain chole jetey chai. Of course assuming kono loved ones thakbe na to live for. Thakle, I need the normal span of years and to be resigned to the loss of physical and mental acuities and drawn-out, lingering, painful life.
On a positive note, I found a flat. Hopefully, it will stay and I can move in in March. Ma's USG report has to be collected, something which completely slipped my mind after going to sleep at 6 am.
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