It seems like we're reaching a point when it will all come to a head. It feels unbearable. I want to run out and not come back into my environment till it all gets better. But maybe this is because I haven't slept enough? But I thought I did: five and a half hours last night, after watching Community, no less, and not particular episodes of QaF I am fixated on. Before that, I'd slept for a couple of hours in the afternoon. Now I feel tired as shit and I feel like shit. This panic when I see F's old collar is not good, panic to see old photos of her is not good. This longing to the point where you don't know how to come back isn't either. I can't be arsed to spend an extra day in Lucknow anymore. I want to come back to my hole and sleep and not wake up for a while. I have decided that F's passing will be my mental preoccupation for the coming days, because, I suppose, there's nothing else to fill the void. And also that all this is really happening.
Work seems tiresome, though I know it's interesting. It's mechanical, dragging yourself through the days. A's marriage is happening. I won't be attending it. It feels like I am doing this terribly wrong thing, like this mistake that will remain at the back of my head. O and S are there. Ma seems sort of fine. I'll have to book a doctor's appointment for next week for her.
What am I looking forward to? G visiting Delhi towards the end of the month, oddly enough. He will be weird and unbearable, of course, but then, maybe we could also have a few relaxing days. O leaves in Jan, something to adjust to, which also severs my contact with B, haha. Beyond that, 2014 is the unknown beyond, and what do you do but brace yourself and take it how you can, as long as you can.
Work seems tiresome, though I know it's interesting. It's mechanical, dragging yourself through the days. A's marriage is happening. I won't be attending it. It feels like I am doing this terribly wrong thing, like this mistake that will remain at the back of my head. O and S are there. Ma seems sort of fine. I'll have to book a doctor's appointment for next week for her.
What am I looking forward to? G visiting Delhi towards the end of the month, oddly enough. He will be weird and unbearable, of course, but then, maybe we could also have a few relaxing days. O leaves in Jan, something to adjust to, which also severs my contact with B, haha. Beyond that, 2014 is the unknown beyond, and what do you do but brace yourself and take it how you can, as long as you can.
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