Well, uh, here’s the thing, and I am a selfish old fart for saying this. Well, that your “nearest” ones desert you when you uh, need em the most. And then, well, you manage and are the stronger for it. Don’t mistake this for a oh-my-world is good chest thumping or determined to see the silver lining and ignore the actual dark cloud. I am struggling to manage, there are so many things it’s hard to think coherently, but well, I am still standing, messing up, but still around to mess up and still there to take the blows that come out of messing up. It’s going to be a long week and I could do with some sorting out in the head. But if, after three years and a bit more, I have someone turning on his heels and marching out because I have let my resentment show for his not being there when I needed (he had genuine reasons), I am not going to call after him. It’s hard, but like every hard thing, you learn. I learned to cope when baba died. I would tell myself everyday as I found never-ending reams of papers and worldly things to take care of that I had little clue about: whatever happens, I will survive. It might be bad, it might not be the best, but it’s still me, I am still standing and I will survive. I daresay I will survive even when and if I have no one behind me propping me up.
So well, it’s selfish to expect someone to be your confidence, to be the one to unentangle the knots in your head, to calm you. When you are unsure what you offer in return. But well, this is how I probably will always be, as selfish as this. And uh, well, I will probably still be standing. If only because I don’t know yet what gets me down. Please God, give me time before that happens.
Bad English is my birthright
3 comments:
baje, ghyanghyane post.
but i agree so much.
I have stopped ghyan-ghyaning and started enjoying who I am because I lost all support (and how!) at once.
Now I'm firmer, I am less indecisive and I like to think I'm a stronger person for that.
As a friend once said never be insecure about admitting to your insecurities.
uh, who knows. mane, the support is so good, it helps such a great deal. the support, companionship did not come easy at all, and it's strange the way someone's support can also make you stand better alone. it works both ways, probably. there are people who set you free, by letting you be who you are.
but yes, that there are times when it does not work, when nothing is enough, and i try not to hide that behind platitudes that all is well. and as another friend was saying, it is always very uncertain, relationships are. well-balanced things too can go awry.
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