My horror world

It was peopled with the corpse of my father, my actual father, who was sick with his last illness, bending down to help me get something from the rotting body of the dead one. And a slit eyed wizened man who tried to kill with a chop of the hand, and whispering to someone in a hunched cupboard while trying to soak a thin book in water to make myself heard: that was a transient one. Nightmares within nightmares, knowing that I had to get through one to extricate myself from the other.
The nightmares of the awake life: believing things will be alright, dealing with silences like a wall, bloodied striking yourself against it repeatedly and pretending at the best of times that it’s nothing. God, I didn’t want to live like a grown-up this way. For the fear of loneliness, of leaving things behind….. P told me about a girl in New York State who calls up R asking him to talk to her for 10 minutes.
Will I marry in this belief, and the rest of life will be spent trying to unshackle myself and being afraid to walk away? It is so tempting at such moments to turn to him whose nirashokti you fear: to have your fears lovingly turned away.
P wrote a long time back that it was time I let myself fly, for it is time. I feel too afraid, believe me. I had hoped that someone would give me a push. And I have stood poised at the brink, waiting for years and years and years to take the final plunge…
And to see how things are, it seems like I could stand forever and become petrified in this eternal wait and nobody could care. Yes, we know nobody does care, but I don’t believe it, really.
I am afraid I will be the kind that will be unable to find peace with another. Cause none of the baubles of civilization seems to satisfy. Listen to me, yes. But if you’ve seen what flavour of happiness you like, once, nothing else will do.


I am afraid to leave, the city, this job, the trappings of this life, cause I don’t know if I will be good enough to make another. Also cause dunno if he will come there with me. Won’t. So am trying to stay as long as I can. Also hoping that some day I will find this festering compromise with life too unbearable and venture forth in desperation. I am hoping for my own desperation.